DTR: Design the Relationship
At our wedding eight years ago, we had several failures:
Our microphone ran out of battery in the middle of our vows.
Friends had volunteered to clean-up, but then got too drunk to help.
A quarter of our dinner food went missing.
Luckily, we are better at planning our actual marriage than our wedding.
Unfortunately, most people have it the other way around. People spend so much time and money planning their wedding, but NOT their marriage.
We need to put time and energy into designing our relationships.
To Design The Relationship (DTR) means to be intentional during times of change, discuss your needs and explore solutions.
With 8 years of marriage, two kids and two sold condos under our belt, I wanted to share some examples of how Benjamin and I DTR:
1. Dating Phase: How might we better understand each other’s needs?
Relationship Charter - Similar to team charters, a Relationship Charter outlines shared values and norms two people agree to live by to increase peace and ease. Check out our first Relationship Charter from 2015 here.
2. Engaged Phase: How might we feel more united as a team with shared goals and values?
Relationship Brand- Having a shared view of your relationship together builds a foundation and guiding principles. We named our brand, Samjamin and came up with seven key words to describe how we want to show up in the world.
3. Child Rearing Phase: How will we ensure fair compensation and distribution of domestic work?
Baby Negotiations- Being a gestational parent requires doing 100% of the work. How can this unpaid labor be compensated? We experimented by Benjamin watching our first child for 9 months after I went back to work. For our second child, Benjamin paid me $25,000.
Chore Cards- After having a kid, we had to get clear on who was doing what around the house. We both wanted to feel like the workload was balanced. We made this simple list of chores here, which we continue to revise.
4. Seven-Year Slump Phase: How might we realign and reinvigorate our shared vision?
The seven-year slump or “itch” is a common belief that happiness in a marriage or long-term relationship declines after about seven years.
Relationship 2.0 - We were unable to agree on where we would live and some of our parenting norms. I led a two day offsite for us to realign on our shared vision. This resulted in our Packard 2.0 deck here, where we agreed to move to San Francisco for five years.
Designing the Relationship establishes clarity. This frees up energy to pursue what brings each person joy.
How can you get started DTRing? Here are three easy steps:
Identify something new that is coming up like a vacation or new school year.
Individually write out 5-10 things you hope will happen.
Together, prioritize three things you will both actively support.
How have you DTRed with a partner?